Today is the one year anniversary of the loss of my beloved Biz.

I admit I've struggled over the past month - especially with horrible visions of her last minutes as the Vet came to my house to put her to sleep.

Biz was extremely afraid of strangers up to the very end and struggled to get away from the Vet as she tried to squirt some stuff in Biz's mouth to start to calm her down so that she could start administering the euthanasia solution.

The pictures from Biz's last minutes on Earth will be etched in my mind forever. I could literally haunt myself with those pictures for the rest of my life, bringing up pain that flows instantly out as tears.

But what good does that do me? What good does it do Biz? She is gone! Safely out of pain! Not suffering! So why torture myself with those horrid images?

Then, I make a conscious choice to remember that I made the best decision I could for Biz, to release her from her suffering, and that I have soooooo many GOOD memories with her and then I choose to not let those negative images flood my mind. Sometimes I have to sing a hymn or read a book or something like that to refocus my mind. Even looking at a photograph of Biz helps.

So, my beloved Biz, I do miss you, but I am so thankful for the times we shared and that you are not suffering from cancer any more.

Rest in peace, my beloved. "You're my kitty!"

Just an update: Lately, I've been haunting myself with thoughts like, "Just this time last year Biz was really starting to decline," and "Oh, the one year anniversary of Biz's death is approaching on Sept. 15. How will I handle it?"

I suppose all of this is normal, since I still think every year on June 21 and March 23 about my Dad's Birthday and day of death, respectively, so it's natural that I would have similar thoughts about anniversary dates having to do with my beloved Biz.

I still miss Biz dearly from time to time, but I'm still thankful to have Zadie and Zach. ~2 year old Zadie became our new kitty three months after Biz died, and has become a play partner with ~10 year old Zach, who basically tolerated Biz and vice-versa.

Many thanks to those of you who have written over the last year to share your stories of your struggles with your cats with cancer. Your love and concern for your feline friends/family members shines through your pain. May God grant you shalom/peace.

I did go dig some daffodils out of the front yard and planted them by Biz's grave (see March 10 entry):

Just an update: Zach (my 10 year old black DLH) and Zadie (my new ~1.5 year old DSH tortie) have started playing with each other. Zadie will make a flying leap worthy of a professional wrestler on to Zach's back and they'll start tussling. After prolonged seconds of staring and tail swishing/wagging, one will launch into the other and they'll holler and yelp and then start running through the house chasing each other. A brief time of fur grooming breaks the action until it starts all over again! Biz and Zach used to do this and it's kinda nice to see Zach and Zadie "play" with each other.

I may go out and plant some perennials by Biz's grave...

Our new "kitty buddy," Zadie, and our older cat, Zach, are really getting along pretty well. They both have relatively laid-back personalities and after a few days of Zach growling and hissing at Zadie, they pretty much have settled down into small spats here and there. Zach doesn't even hiss or growl anymore.

Zadie is rather playful, and Zach, being 9 years old, seems to curiously watch Zadie while she plays, but he does not join in. Hopefully, Zach will revive some of his kitten-ness and get some exercise with Zadie!

I went out to Biz's grave a couple of days ago to "let her know" that it's working out OK with Zadie and Zach. Of course, I don't believe that Biz could "hear me," or respond in any way; it was really just for me to bring a little more closure to Biz's death. She will always have a very special place in my heart.

Happy New Year!